language influences thought, right
i have a problem but the problem is not me
the problem is something that does not have to be fast and hard and solid
i am not depressed
i am not my depression
i have a depression
just as this blood-coughing thing in my chest grew beyond my immune system
this depression is something that has, over a nigh-unspeakably long time, developed into something well beyond my powers of mindcraft
in the last eight or nine years i have gone through periods of counseling
it was not easy to first accept that i needed that help
and sometimes i still waste talk time dealing with practical logistical life hurdles instead of deeper whatevers
but in general it helps
i have been talking with a social worker off and on here since the beginning of the year -- a bit too much "off" of late
i have had two "happy pill" trials in the past
the first time i started to feel better but i knew it was "artificial" and that was too double-edged for me
the second time i started to feel better but i got really busy, somehow forgot to take my dosage a few days in a row and had a really bad withdrawal reaction (felt like i had been poisoned (oof this is just dubious ground in every way))
other than some caffeine and a lot of sugar i was substance free until the day after my twenty-fifth birthday
i still consider myself to be mostly not a substance user
at this point i drink on average less than thrice a month and when i do it is normally not more than the equivalent of a beer or two
okay - part of it is that the beer here sucks really bad - but i am so used to not drinking that i don't miss it whine about it
i have some huge desire to help other people but tend to shun most sorts of identifiable external help aimed at me
dependency feels generally contrary to my being (self important much)
so i don't WANT to take anti-depressants to rebalance my brain chemistry
but i think it is fair to say that i have been dealing with depression at some level since high school
and it is really maybe just my pride that gets in the way of taking pills
if i can realize that this is a sickness i have
that it is something that is happening to me
that it is not a failing of my character or a true failing of my genetics
if i can accept that my depression doesn't mean that i am worth less than someone who doesn't struggle with these things
then this foolish thing of pride shouldn't play into it anyway
(somewhat confusing there - not sure if it is more important to just accept that i need help or to accept that this isn't about me or my worth)
you know from recent conversations or blog posts or generally knowing me that i am not doing so well of late
which is maybe not surprising considering the giant change i made recently
(yes i mean moving to this isolated incomprehensible white place)
i don't have a developed life here and i can't simply pack up and go back to the old one
nine hours later i pick up the draft again but the thoughts are less focused
on and on
a broken record with a point is still a broken record
so
i think i have a tooth rotting (forget i mentioned that) and i think i need to go back to see bent (that is my doctor's name - bent korssjøen (the cross-sea (noun but not verb form of cross))) again and see if we can't talk about me joining the medicated masses (and my achilles (and maybe my thumb if it doesn't start feeling better))
any well considered responses?
any gut responses from the anti-poppin' crowd?
unfounded opinions? fears?
stories about cute animals doing cute things?
now i am going to read some of the gandhi i mentioned
forward on all fronts at once
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
favorite misspelling-creating-a-new-word of the day
"COMMUNITITES" [sic]
source: http://www.governmentattic.org/docs/FCC_Complaints_The-Simpsons_2003-07.pdf
source: http://www.governmentattic.org/docs/FCC_Complaints_The-Simpsons_2003-07.pdf
boring / health / less boring / amazing
some maintenance guy woke us up to change some smoke detector thing. can't be bothered to go back to sleep. most days struggle hard against going to sleep in the first place. still just desperate for input and haven't sorted much in the way of output.
I have been here more than nine months. I don't want to actually think about it (cuz my head goes to lots of less than happy places) but it is coming up because my program is coming to an end. We had our written final exam yesterday. I didn't study anything other than a little packet on prepositional phrases. These might be the biggest challenge/hassle. I can't just think:
"I am eager to blah blah" and translate it - cuz here it is more like "eager after"
"worry about" or "worry on" or "worry for"?
"dependent on" nope... it's "av" which is like a combo of "of" and "off"
I didn't start this intending to talk about the language. anyway at least a high B without trying (I have to wait three weeks for results). Oral exam is on thursday and then I am done for the year.
At the beginning of the year we didn't know enough norwegian to read the name of our program. We just started referring to ourselves as IFUS and kind of ignored the fact that it meant anything. On the exam yesterday I finally saw the whole thing again innføringsprogrammet for utenlandske studenter - introduction/insertion program for foreign students. blah blah thoughts about actually being an immigrant and being "foreign" and still more about how still being a whitey means I don't face the worst of it here. Some fucked up shit goes on here. SORRY that was boring. I could joke about Abdul's inability to take care of himself again but that is easy and while not meant in a mean-hearted way still unnecessary and boring too.
The antibiotics seem to be helping (not too quickly mind you bleh) but my achilles tendons (mostly the right one) are pretty unhappy (I started having trouble with both at the beginning of the BUDA season last summer after playing on that really hard field at tufts) and my right thumb is also pretty bad right now. It was hurting already last week and then this past sunday I had my hand out about to grab a disc and someone ran into not my whole hand but just the thumb it and jammed it back hard.
We have a radio that goes on with the bathroom light. The sound is supposed to be disruptive to our otherwise usually quiet kitchen -- to serve as yet another reminder to turn the light off for folks who have trouble with that concept. It also means occasional exposure to unexpected things. When I first moved in here it was set to some horrible commercial charts station (even more incentive to turn it all back off) but I started changing it and it has been on the classical flavored national radio channel for a while.
Yesterday I heard a bit of something with funny sounds -- thankfully I had enough time left before leaving for the exam to dial it in on my dumpstered radio and wait for the host to tell me what it was -- Rautavaara - Cantus Articus - concerto for birds and orchestra.
the birds didn't sound so bird like - I don't err ... okay I have to check now... 1972 recorded bird song ... I didn't hear the whole thing so I will try to find it ... but I wonder if it has ever been done live ... like in a natural bird area ... nope cancel ... it includes slowed down lark song ... so at least that part would have to be handled with some processing (can't REALLY process in the time domain and still call it "live").
.
and you all need to at least glance at tilleke schwarz's 99% perspiration genius.
like hyper sketchbooking in thread.
i can't pick a favorite.
i think having one on my wall might change my life.
i think i would stand in front of it often and marvel at the amount of work-energy put into it.
shutting up now.
love and lots of daylight.
I have been here more than nine months. I don't want to actually think about it (cuz my head goes to lots of less than happy places) but it is coming up because my program is coming to an end. We had our written final exam yesterday. I didn't study anything other than a little packet on prepositional phrases. These might be the biggest challenge/hassle. I can't just think:
"I am eager to blah blah" and translate it - cuz here it is more like "eager after"
"worry about" or "worry on" or "worry for"?
"dependent on" nope... it's "av" which is like a combo of "of" and "off"
I didn't start this intending to talk about the language. anyway at least a high B without trying (I have to wait three weeks for results). Oral exam is on thursday and then I am done for the year.
At the beginning of the year we didn't know enough norwegian to read the name of our program. We just started referring to ourselves as IFUS and kind of ignored the fact that it meant anything. On the exam yesterday I finally saw the whole thing again innføringsprogrammet for utenlandske studenter - introduction/insertion program for foreign students. blah blah thoughts about actually being an immigrant and being "foreign" and still more about how still being a whitey means I don't face the worst of it here. Some fucked up shit goes on here. SORRY that was boring. I could joke about Abdul's inability to take care of himself again but that is easy and while not meant in a mean-hearted way still unnecessary and boring too.
The antibiotics seem to be helping (not too quickly mind you bleh) but my achilles tendons (mostly the right one) are pretty unhappy (I started having trouble with both at the beginning of the BUDA season last summer after playing on that really hard field at tufts) and my right thumb is also pretty bad right now. It was hurting already last week and then this past sunday I had my hand out about to grab a disc and someone ran into not my whole hand but just the thumb it and jammed it back hard.
We have a radio that goes on with the bathroom light. The sound is supposed to be disruptive to our otherwise usually quiet kitchen -- to serve as yet another reminder to turn the light off for folks who have trouble with that concept. It also means occasional exposure to unexpected things. When I first moved in here it was set to some horrible commercial charts station (even more incentive to turn it all back off) but I started changing it and it has been on the classical flavored national radio channel for a while.
Yesterday I heard a bit of something with funny sounds -- thankfully I had enough time left before leaving for the exam to dial it in on my dumpstered radio and wait for the host to tell me what it was -- Rautavaara - Cantus Articus - concerto for birds and orchestra.
the birds didn't sound so bird like - I don't err ... okay I have to check now... 1972 recorded bird song ... I didn't hear the whole thing so I will try to find it ... but I wonder if it has ever been done live ... like in a natural bird area ... nope cancel ... it includes slowed down lark song ... so at least that part would have to be handled with some processing (can't REALLY process in the time domain and still call it "live").
.
and you all need to at least glance at tilleke schwarz's 99% perspiration genius.
like hyper sketchbooking in thread.
i can't pick a favorite.
i think having one on my wall might change my life.
i think i would stand in front of it often and marvel at the amount of work-energy put into it.
shutting up now.
love and lots of daylight.
Friday, May 16, 2008
wow
our new flatmate (abdul, sierra leone) arrived last week some time.
i am not sure how old he is -- roughly mid-20's
studies geo-physics.
and (this is where the funny part comes in) has ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE how to
operate in a kitchen.
the other day i found him standing, looking blankly at the 2-slice toaster
he asked how to use it. i internally shook my head and chuckled and externally smiled and sort of suggested that he could probably suss it out.
then i realized he was holding a store bought sub/sandwich like all sloppy with mayonnaise and little bits of lettuce and chunks of chicken.
it didn't get much better when i led him over to the oven (warning that the vegetables would get kind of lame with heat).
whatever.
just now i noticed that he has a plastic tub of neapolitan ice cream.
he must have bought it days ago.
it is under a box of eggs on the top shelf of the fridge.
should i move it for him or tell him or just let him figure it out on his own?
i am not sure how old he is -- roughly mid-20's
studies geo-physics.
and (this is where the funny part comes in) has ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE how to
operate in a kitchen.
the other day i found him standing, looking blankly at the 2-slice toaster
he asked how to use it. i internally shook my head and chuckled and externally smiled and sort of suggested that he could probably suss it out.
then i realized he was holding a store bought sub/sandwich like all sloppy with mayonnaise and little bits of lettuce and chunks of chicken.
it didn't get much better when i led him over to the oven (warning that the vegetables would get kind of lame with heat).
whatever.
just now i noticed that he has a plastic tub of neapolitan ice cream.
he must have bought it days ago.
it is under a box of eggs on the top shelf of the fridge.
should i move it for him or tell him or just let him figure it out on his own?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
apparently...
spitting up blood does not worry medical people
i got unceremoniously shuffled from the emergency room
half an hour south (on the bus) to my fastlege (think PCP)
who listened to my lungs and tested my blood (all inside of twenty minutes)
and prescribed antibiotics and a cough syrup that contains morphine
i have started the antibiotics but will not even pick up the morphine
everyone around me will be drunk this weekend because it is national day and my flatmate's birthday
i thought i would join in a little but not with antibiotics in me
it'll be just like old times and recent times
i am going to turn in my semester paper as good enough
because it is actually far beyond good enough
i looked at some from last year
the source pages are dreadful
one gal just listed two sources: a book and "internett"
yes -- just "internett"
INTERNETT!!!!
it is worth noting that i was never really panicked through this
i might have been a little more freaked out in boston without health insurance
but maybe it just wasn't intense enough (even though one of the gobs i spit up while walking down to the hospital was surprisingly large and ruddy)
nothing is really intense any more except some moments of despair and despondency
even orange juice squeezed from the faux chic press i dumpstered last night is not measuring high -- isn't that supposed to be an undeniably enjoyable or at least intensely fresh thing?
let's blame the quality of the oranges
i got unceremoniously shuffled from the emergency room
half an hour south (on the bus) to my fastlege (think PCP)
who listened to my lungs and tested my blood (all inside of twenty minutes)
and prescribed antibiotics and a cough syrup that contains morphine
i have started the antibiotics but will not even pick up the morphine
everyone around me will be drunk this weekend because it is national day and my flatmate's birthday
i thought i would join in a little but not with antibiotics in me
it'll be just like old times and recent times
i am going to turn in my semester paper as good enough
because it is actually far beyond good enough
i looked at some from last year
the source pages are dreadful
one gal just listed two sources: a book and "internett"
yes -- just "internett"
INTERNETT!!!!
it is worth noting that i was never really panicked through this
i might have been a little more freaked out in boston without health insurance
but maybe it just wasn't intense enough (even though one of the gobs i spit up while walking down to the hospital was surprisingly large and ruddy)
nothing is really intense any more except some moments of despair and despondency
even orange juice squeezed from the faux chic press i dumpstered last night is not measuring high -- isn't that supposed to be an undeniably enjoyable or at least intensely fresh thing?
let's blame the quality of the oranges
oh and
yesterday i went to get on my bike and the back was flat and i pumped it up
and then while i was topping off the front the back exploded
i didn't over pump it
every morning when i wake up i sit at my computer and for the first half hour or so i blow snot out of my nose and cough other mucus out of my throat and deeper
but then it mostly goes away and i can mostly forget it for most of the rest of the day
just have to spit a little more than normal
this morning there was a tiny bit of blood
so i guess i should go to the doctor
oh wait
there is more and it is brighter
i am supposed to finish my paper
fuck
nobody panic okay
i will handle this
and then while i was topping off the front the back exploded
i didn't over pump it
every morning when i wake up i sit at my computer and for the first half hour or so i blow snot out of my nose and cough other mucus out of my throat and deeper
but then it mostly goes away and i can mostly forget it for most of the rest of the day
just have to spit a little more than normal
this morning there was a tiny bit of blood
so i guess i should go to the doctor
oh wait
there is more and it is brighter
i am supposed to finish my paper
fuck
nobody panic okay
i will handle this
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
bad, bad, bad, bad, bad news bears
a couple week ago i was looking at hairs further up the back of my hand than i had taken note of before and i wished i could be completely hairless for a while
on april 12th we took 3rd of 9 at the indoor norwegian ultimate championships
one april 20th i shared in 20th of 22 at WCU in københavn - which means our pick-up team beat two non-pickup teams
blah blah
it has been a bad month
it has been hard to get out of bed
except for this morning cuz i tasked my flatmate to get me out of bed before he left
thomas is more better than the most bestest
(no double comparatives or triple superlatives!)
it was still hard to get out of the house even after i was up
most things hurt
like my knees when i walk down the stairs leaving the house in the morning
i don't think i can do anything about most of the pains and
the things that don't hurt i can't seem to notice
i am being crushed
which will happen when you care too much and take it all too gravely
alex suggested gandhi's auto-bio "my experiments with truth" which i borrowed from the library but haven't yet cracked open
this bit about being crushed by the world would fit better up with that paragraph about not being able to get out of bed
i need a job
which means updating and translating my resume
looking for work always depresses me
i can look for a nice job in a way that will bum me out a lot
or i can (maybe) easily get a less nice job by going to the employment offices
i am sitting in the library waiting for a book to come down from storage
"silicon snake oil" by this wall-climber
i don't know why i am thinking about that right now
i should probably focus on the gandhi
but stoll has unstoppable life energy that comes at a price - envy? yeah
i don't know if the book is coming because i used the computer to order it from storage and i don't know if they really use that system or if i should have gone up to a desk
i can't find all of the norwegian words to ask and i don't feel like asking in english
tomorrow i will deliver an all too wrangled over thought over worked i mean i have worked more on it than i should have semester paper that doesn't say what i want but has lots of "ganske advansert" language (sentence construkjons that my teacher doesn't expect) and then all that is left for the year are a six hour written exam next monday (which i expect to finish in a little over three maybe - except there is an essay so maybe 7 hours is more likely) and a 40 minute (20 reading 20 speaking) oral exam next thursday
then yeah job
bleh
i think i am cancelling my berlin trip which means not meeting up with thomas valentine
and i miss ______ fill in your name here if you live or lived in boston and we were friends (eg. andrew, emma, jasmine, deb, ...)
but i think mostly i have been not replaced but supplanted whatever the difference is - okay there isn't really a notable one
if i come home will you make out with me?
brain vomit
as promised at the beginning
on april 12th we took 3rd of 9 at the indoor norwegian ultimate championships
one april 20th i shared in 20th of 22 at WCU in københavn - which means our pick-up team beat two non-pickup teams
blah blah
it has been a bad month
it has been hard to get out of bed
except for this morning cuz i tasked my flatmate to get me out of bed before he left
thomas is more better than the most bestest
(no double comparatives or triple superlatives!)
it was still hard to get out of the house even after i was up
most things hurt
like my knees when i walk down the stairs leaving the house in the morning
i don't think i can do anything about most of the pains and
the things that don't hurt i can't seem to notice
i am being crushed
which will happen when you care too much and take it all too gravely
alex suggested gandhi's auto-bio "my experiments with truth" which i borrowed from the library but haven't yet cracked open
this bit about being crushed by the world would fit better up with that paragraph about not being able to get out of bed
i need a job
which means updating and translating my resume
looking for work always depresses me
i can look for a nice job in a way that will bum me out a lot
or i can (maybe) easily get a less nice job by going to the employment offices
i am sitting in the library waiting for a book to come down from storage
"silicon snake oil" by this wall-climber
i don't know why i am thinking about that right now
i should probably focus on the gandhi
but stoll has unstoppable life energy that comes at a price - envy? yeah
i don't know if the book is coming because i used the computer to order it from storage and i don't know if they really use that system or if i should have gone up to a desk
i can't find all of the norwegian words to ask and i don't feel like asking in english
tomorrow i will deliver an all too wrangled over thought over worked i mean i have worked more on it than i should have semester paper that doesn't say what i want but has lots of "ganske advansert" language (sentence construkjons that my teacher doesn't expect) and then all that is left for the year are a six hour written exam next monday (which i expect to finish in a little over three maybe - except there is an essay so maybe 7 hours is more likely) and a 40 minute (20 reading 20 speaking) oral exam next thursday
then yeah job
bleh
i think i am cancelling my berlin trip which means not meeting up with thomas valentine
and i miss ______ fill in your name here if you live or lived in boston and we were friends (eg. andrew, emma, jasmine, deb, ...)
but i think mostly i have been not replaced but supplanted whatever the difference is - okay there isn't really a notable one
if i come home will you make out with me?
brain vomit
as promised at the beginning
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