an important distinction between "having" and "being"

language influences thought, right
i have a problem but the problem is not me
the problem is something that does not have to be fast and hard and solid

i am not depressed
i am not my depression
i have a depression

just as this blood-coughing thing in my chest grew beyond my immune system
this depression is something that has, over a nigh-unspeakably long time, developed into something well beyond my powers of mindcraft

in the last eight or nine years i have gone through periods of counseling
it was not easy to first accept that i needed that help
and sometimes i still waste talk time dealing with practical logistical life hurdles instead of deeper whatevers
but in general it helps
i have been talking with a social worker off and on here since the beginning of the year -- a bit too much "off" of late

i have had two "happy pill" trials in the past
the first time i started to feel better but i knew it was "artificial" and that was too double-edged for me
the second time i started to feel better but i got really busy, somehow forgot to take my dosage a few days in a row and had a really bad withdrawal reaction (felt like i had been poisoned (oof this is just dubious ground in every way))

other than some caffeine and a lot of sugar i was substance free until the day after my twenty-fifth birthday
i still consider myself to be mostly not a substance user
at this point i drink on average less than thrice a month and when i do it is normally not more than the equivalent of a beer or two
okay - part of it is that the beer here sucks really bad - but i am so used to not drinking that i don't miss it whine about it
i have some huge desire to help other people but tend to shun most sorts of identifiable external help aimed at me
dependency feels generally contrary to my being (self important much)

so i don't WANT to take anti-depressants to rebalance my brain chemistry
but i think it is fair to say that i have been dealing with depression at some level since high school
and it is really maybe just my pride that gets in the way of taking pills

if i can realize that this is a sickness i have
that it is something that is happening to me
that it is not a failing of my character or a true failing of my genetics
if i can accept that my depression doesn't mean that i am worth less than someone who doesn't struggle with these things
then this foolish thing of pride shouldn't play into it anyway
(somewhat confusing there - not sure if it is more important to just accept that i need help or to accept that this isn't about me or my worth)

you know from recent conversations or blog posts or generally knowing me that i am not doing so well of late
which is maybe not surprising considering the giant change i made recently
(yes i mean moving to this isolated incomprehensible white place)
i don't have a developed life here and i can't simply pack up and go back to the old one

nine hours later i pick up the draft again but the thoughts are less focused
on and on
a broken record with a point is still a broken record

so
i think i have a tooth rotting (forget i mentioned that) and i think i need to go back to see bent (that is my doctor's name - bent korssjøen (the cross-sea (noun but not verb form of cross))) again and see if we can't talk about me joining the medicated masses (and my achilles (and maybe my thumb if it doesn't start feeling better))

any well considered responses?
any gut responses from the anti-poppin' crowd?
unfounded opinions? fears?
stories about cute animals doing cute things?

now i am going to read some of the gandhi i mentioned
forward on all fronts at once